TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!