[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*