Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.