me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you