Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH