If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’