[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.