I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life