last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.