Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”