I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston