Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.