me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
こいつ天才
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.