[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.