Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.