Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.