coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.
me: ask them who their CEO is
romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?
never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right
It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.
All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.
Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”
My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…
*wraps present*
Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.
[20 minutes later]
Shit.
You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose
I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags
Him: I need advice.
Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”