Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.

What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?

His Highness

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up

The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year

If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you