They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
