Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shakira sharkira

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way

Creative Problem Solving

Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1856241821325664256/pu/vid/avc1/576x1024/vC1GHpHVV4NI0zZ2.mp4?tag=12

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.

The address:

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup