The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?