😭😭
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents