People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
