If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I was standing in the train station when some guy came up and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Australia has an election this year. Wanna talk about it all day, every day, and make it our entire personality?
Uncharted Territory… underneath the refrigerator
I didn’t even see a listing for Greenland on Zillow…
Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday
Me: Please take my kids for a little bit
School: lol snow
hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year
Foot f**ish should just be called feetish
Dishwasher: *starts*
Peanut butter on knife: LMAO
My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.
person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!
Can’t. Sorry…
As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.
Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)