If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
