Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food

That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast

we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,

don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.

If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?