😭😭
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at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
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Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents