Got my shingles shot. Just to be safe, I got one against vinyl siding too.
we’re all idiots, it’s not a competition
Me: *panicking*
Friend: just go with your gut
Me: *panicking while eating nachos*
Any time I’ve ever told myself I’m saving a snack for later, “later” ends up being 2 minutes
Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.
Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.
born to say “are you fcking stup¡d” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I went to wash my teens clothes at a beach trip.
His backpack was full of alcohol. Almost no clothes.
He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.
jury duty is a wild concept. whenever the government wants, they can just be like “call off work bestie, we need you to solve a murder 🥰 here’s fifteen dollars.”
I don’t care if they ban TikTok I still love Ke$ha.
mfs be saying “feb” cause they can’t spell februawary
Throwing a Don’t Kill Yourself Dinner Party where everyone brings a dish so delicious that we remember why life is worth living
You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??
straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana