No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are
I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions
I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food
Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family
my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]
Me: Oh. You’re staying?
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
weird
Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese