they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
Hear me out: WrestleVania
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you