7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
