so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.
I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions
Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait
I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.
🌲😼
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify
“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
me: did I notice an off brand dish detergent in your apartment?
girl who would never date me bc I’m always trying to sell stuff but she feels lonely during the holidays: yes
me: does it cut thru the grease and grime?
Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day