Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!