Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
money maker
