sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts