When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste