If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there