[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.