I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?