[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.