[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.