Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.