MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
When you kidnap a writer.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*