I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that