Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.