[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off