I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.