I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
