Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”