Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
that de-escalated quickly
Me when someone tries to get to know me
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?