If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
the worm is coming from inside the brain
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.